Take the good, even with the bad!

Mom’s initial diagnosis back in January 2011 taught me a very important lesson. Life changes in an instant. Nothing can prepare you to have your world pulled out from under your feet. You’d think I would have remembered that lesson when she relapsed in November 2012. However the bliss of ignorance was so sweet. I was temporarily distracted with the celebration of mom’s remission for that year and a half that I forgot the potential of instantaneous change. These last few months my mind has been once again reeling from the whiplash effect that all of you have been witnessing. The traumatic realization of mom’s leukemia returning, the rapid decision process on her plan and potential prognosis, her cellular decline and battle with Aspergillus, her quick in and out inpatient periods, rotation and maintaining communication and volunteer shifts with all of you. It’s quiet the experience and I cannot begin to express my deep unwavering gratitude for all of you. The irony is that many of you express that you don’t understand how I deal with all that happens with mom. The fact is I don’t. Or rather I do very rarely. My heart has been broken time-and-time again through this process. Developing hope that mom will live many more years and we have countless number of evenings and weekends to spend with one another. Then a day later I will be hearing about her relapsing, developing a aggressive lung infection, having to decide on a DNR and DNI, watching her counts rise and fall. I slowly become more and more apathetic to the rollercoaster. Feeling myself continue to grow with her on this journey but trying my hardest not get my hopes too high only to have them shattered again. Your prayers and positive thoughts are my daily bread. The driving force that keeps me going. The truth as my roommate so eloquently reminded me upon mom’s diagnosis is that “she will die. In fact so will you, and I, and everyone else on this world. Our time here is limited.” This was the hardest hurdle I have had to accept during this process and I fully admit that I reacted incredibly negatively when he stated this to me. But he said it in truth and love, tough love, but still love. He wanted me to understand that my time on this earth-specially with my own mother-was precious and something to appreciate. My denial of her decline was not helping anyone-especially her or myself. So with that truth in my heart and mind I send a blessing to all of you. May you live each day in the present. May you be surrounded by loved ones always (here on earth or by those who are no longer physically with us). May you be appreciative of all the little things in life. And may you, in time, be grateful for the hard times as they make the beautiful moments that much more precious. With love and the deepest gratitude, Kate