Transition and Having Faith

Song on my heart and in my head lately: "Have a Little Faith" by Michael Franti & Spearhead.

Sometimes life feels like you are sitting inside a beautiful snow-globe. Everything in sight appears to be perfectly placed and completely serene with a light dusting of snow covering it all, just to make it that much more magical. Then suddenly you are turned upside down and shaken so hard that you think you will break into pieces. When the earthquake finally stops you realize you have barely moved, though you can tell there's been a change. It's funny how the world around you is exactly the same but inside the globe you know otherwise. Sometimes "life happens."

Snow Globes...

A year ago today mom received a call after a routine bone marrow biopsey. It was late in the evening, yet her doctor was calling her anyways. His first question was if someone was with her, she said, "Yes, my daughter Kate is here with me." He said, "I need you to get her and then sit down." He told her she had cancer. Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) to be exact. A very aggressive form of it and she would need to go in-patient the next morning.

It's funny how those moments of your life become one of those TV moments when time slows and you see the soul of the character on the screen. You see every moment of their lives. How they have faced every moment of their lives. The pain, the joy, the sorrow, the happiness, and all of it seems to be leading to this point. But you still see the contorted confusion on their face. Their shock. And yet some how you know they are strong enough to get through it. That they are surrounded by so much love and their enduring spirit will fight this battle until their dying breath. Flash back to me and mom on the couch in shock and then tears. Somehow finding our way to the suitcases and cloths to be packed. Less than 12 hours later she is in-patient and starting her new treatments.

Life Happens. Whether we are ready for the storm inside the snow globe or not. When we face a life-changing earthquake like that we suddenly remember the world outside of our self. How it somehow is still functioning despite the crisis it has caused. The world has kept right now spinning even though it feels like ours has stopped. But as time passes you realize, you are wrong and that your world is still moving you just hadn't noticed the change while you were in the thick of it. And somehow beyond anything you could have imagined... you have been molded into a stronger, more empathetic person.

Life Happens. Relationships come and go. Those you expect to be there drift into your past. And those you least expected suddenly become your soul-mates. And yes I do mean plural, not in a "in-love" type of way but rather those in your life who bring purpose and a sense of life long friendship and commitment to your soul. I am grateful beyond words to say that I have more than one.

Life Happens. The jobs you expect your mom to be able to transition back to are suddenly gone. Layoffs, unemployment, and job transition are all common vocabulary for us now. Somehow the routine nature we expected is gone. So now onto a new adventure for mom! We know that even this is somehow planned, thank you universe. Mom's doctor had said a few weeks ago that he wanted her to "progressively return to work" not suddenly go back full time. And now she will be able to focus on healing completely before returning to work. Life is transition, life is change, and Life Happens.

It's all about learning what is deep within your soul. Finding out about who you are in the good, the bad, and the unimaginable. And the beauty of that space. So LOVE YOURSELF! LOVE OTHERS! And for pete's sake learn to LOVE CHANGE (*note to self*)!!!

Or as Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book "Committed":
"...I'd learned enough from life's experiences to understand that destiny's interventions can sometimes be read as invitations for us to address and even surmount our biggest fears. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that when you are pushed by circumstances to do the one thing you have always most specifically loathed and feared, this can be, at the very least, an interesting growth opportunity" (20).

As always, with love and gratitude,
Kate

Are We There Yet?

The title of this blog is inspired by the song on my heart, "Are We There Yet" by Ingrid Michaelson (also loving "Distance" by Christina Perri right now). It's very hard to believe another year has come and gone and now we are living in 2012! Not only a year of experiences, I had no idea I would ever go through, but also a new appreciation of the impact we have on one another and the world.

Sometimes TV can be an interesting contrast to life. I just finished watching this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, titled "Suddenly." Needless to say it left me in a tearful and emotionally wrenched state. But that's what good TV should do. Create perspective. In this case remind me that emotion is a wonderful thing, but that we need to take the time to recognize it and allow it's own space. This has been a theme consistently with myself and several friends already this year.

So here's my New Years resolution: to be okay with emotions and being hurt (this includes letting me be affected by other peoples' emotions and hurts as well). I know I discussed it last year, but I have been in such a "survivors mode" this last year that I need to know that letting these walls come tumbling down is safe and healthy thing to do. I need to ask for help and shoulders to cry on when I need them instead of hiding within my comfortable shell. For those who have been there when I have needed a hug and a shoulder to sob on this last year thank you (including my lovely car-she and I have had plenty of those nights together). It's hard to believe it's been less than a year since Mom's diagnosis, and a little over six months since her transplant. We have begun looking towards life moving in a "forward motion" for her, with her fundraiser a little over a month from now on February 18th, and soon her progressive return to work. We once again are asking for our prayerful people and wonderful huggers to surround us with your love!

It's getting to another period of transition for all of us. And the thought at the forefront of my mind is "breathe, just breathe" and then a "live in the present" for worrying about the future is out of our control. One can plan, organize and make lists, but life happens and things change. And holding onto them only makes them slip out of our hands more quickly. So here's to life as beautiful and messy as it can be, I am ready to live mine (damn it!) :)

Loving humanity and the world one day at a time!
-Me



("Sunrise Overture Pt 1 by RealityDream")