One year.

It’s been one year. One blink of your eye. 12 months for of moments of laughter and tears, hope and sorrow. At times I thought it would be impossible to get here without you and yet here I am.

I took today off so that I wouldn’t be distracted by the busy-ness of a work day and yet I found myself working on errands all day. Wishing that I was doing them with you and feeling guilty for not grieving you in the “right way.” What does that even mean? Somehow not living daily with the pain of your loss makes me feel guilty. But we all knew this was possible right? After 3 years of battling and living with cancer the change of survival became more and more thin. Then last summer hospice became the only option. Sometime I wish they would have a Survivors of Cancer Retreat, in a space similar to that Hospice Residence on the lake so that I could pause and allow myself to fully embrace the loss of your beautiful soul.

Today is the one year anniversary of your passing and to be honest today feels similar to your birthday. I knew it was coming. I assumed I would be a complete emotional puddle and yet here I am going through my day like any other day. Do I miss you? Of course! Do I wish you were here running these daily errands with me? Yup! But it’s just me with moments of great irony, like when my car insurance office called today asking if I wanted to purchase life insurance. Irony not appreciated! (Needless to say I got off the phone as quickly as possible.)

It is hard though, Mom. I find myself wondering what you would do in certain situations, especially with all these fancy tools I got from your house. Trying to figure out which wall anchor would hold that periwinkle windowpane you built or which screwdriver size I should use to make the twisting easier. I find myself wondering what you would recommend as a sleep aid when I am stressed. Occasionally I still hear you remind me to be kind to myself, especially when I see life pushing down hard on me. I still remember how you said I was “harder on myself than anyone else ever would be.” 

Being in Vermont was wonderful, I haven’t felt you that strongly since you were physically present here. Thank you for bringing such an incredible family together for laughter, drinks and beautiful sunsets.

I love you Mom, forever and always.

Kate