Grateful with a Side of Transition

Good morning my lovies, As of Christmas Day mom was finally behaving herself a bit again. She did transition home just in time for her sister to arrive. We had a wonderful Christmas dinner courtesy of mom’s good friend, Pat. The meal was delicious and the company delightful. In the weeks to come mom will continue to need daily rides to clinic for her antifungal medication/platelet infusions/etc. So we are back to looking for volunteers. I will attempt to fill in as best I can but my work schedule is still hard to coordinate in advance. Thanks again for your continued support and prayers! Hope you all had wonderful holiday celebrations with your loved ones as well! Much appreciation and gratitude for everything that you all are doing to help us during this current journey! -Kate

Moving Forward

Sorry I there's been such a delay with updates about mom. (Will try to post more timely updates as they come available.) I am sure most of you read hers on caringbridge. Five second recap: Mom's body miss-behaved again, running fevers of over 100 which landed her inpatient for a few weeks. During that time she started the FLT-3 trial (a specific chemo trial that targets the genetic mutation in her body that produces her cancerous cells). Thanks to the antibiotics and Tylenol regiments her fevers slowly declined until she was able to go outpatient as of last week. Yesterday morning I got a text, the fevers are back. Unfortunately while she was inpatient they were unable to uncover what was the cause of her fevers. So now that they are back the doctor's are again filling her full of antibiotics and Tylenol attempting to get them under control. The problem with her body in comparison to all of ours is that the bone marrow transplant reset her entire system. Meaning her little baby marrow cells do not have ANY of the antibodies that all of us have. Think of her body as that of a child's. She had some of her immunizations again last year but she does not have close to half of what her system once had built up. So needless to say we are back to being germaphobes-with good reason. Thank you one and all for everything you have been doing, giving rides, helping with laundry, sending cards/emails/posting notes. The encouragement and support from all of you is what gets us Dixie's Chicks through the day. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!

It's back.

The world has stopped spinning again. Mom's cancer is back. It was found her bloodwork, when checking her out for a cold and other problems. We will be meeting with her doctor tomorrow and she will be having a bone marrow biopsy conducted on Wednesday and treatment plan should be established after that. Prayers of peace and deep breathing would be appreciated. Think we are all still in a state of shock. Though the outpouring of love we have received from all of you is beyond measure. Love and hope will be our cure until the doctors come up with something more tangible! Love you all more than you can ever know!

Re-openning the heart...

Sometimes life is hard. It's messy and it’s the longest road imaginable. During those times I find myself closing myself off to the world. Hardening my shell, and my heart, digging down deep to find the resolve to push myself through it all. Transition back from this place into a place of openness and humanity can be extremely difficult. Often I find myself vaguely aware (or completely unaware of this transition), until finally the apple hits me on the head and I realize how dark a hole I have dug. It's in that moment that the light finally shines through. I rediscover the beauty in empathy, compassion, and hope. Humanity is a beautiful creation in which I am a part. I am so deeply grateful to have been reminded of that today. To the one who brought me back to the community thank you. (Even if that transition broke a portion of my heart. The fleeting pain was worth the lesson).

Breathe

Taking time to breath in empathy and compassion, breathing out forgiveness and grace. Absorbing healing and renewal, expending calm and hope. Growth and change constant. Self-evolution.

Lessons from the Self and the Universe...

My latest existential strong hold in transition has been balance in my life. I have begun to reopen my heart to the world (my greatest strength/weakness). As a result, I have been more emotionally and energetically available to those around me than I would have ever expected! It's a stronger compassion and understanding (and present mindset) than I have been able to maintain in the past.

At the same time I have been attempting to maintain my strong boundaries out of fear of being overwhelmed by the exterior sources around me. I am realizing I need to learn to fluctuate and allow more in without taking the emotions on as my own.

 I am finding a sustaining support from nature and observation of it's transitions. Watching it gather itself inward for the winter months to be reborn/renewed in the spring. I find myself rejoicing in the transition and wonderful changes in my life, grateful for all the blessings I have. Sending out much love and light to all of you observers in the world as well! :) Happy Fall everyone!

When you numb your pain, you numb your joy

From The Daily Love:"Negative energy is an interesting thing. We tend to dislike it - and it makes sense. It's not fun to experience either giving or receiving. But, it's a part of life - and to deny this part of life is to deny life.

My mom said something REALLY wise to me last week. She has had MASSIVE back troubles in her life - surgery, dying and coming back from it and she is a token of perseverance and rising above the diagnoses of doctors. She has had a relationship with pain her whole adult life. And if anyone is justified in being negative, it's her.

And you know what - she's not. She is my constant spiritual teacher in being cool, calm, collected and present. We talk pretty much every day and it's something I've done for the last 11 years since I moved to L.A. Last week she said, "When you numb your pain, you numb your joy."

And this is a BIG statement coming from HER. She knows A LOT about pain because she lives with it daily. And it really got me thinking. I get asked all the time how folks can "be open, but not feel pain." And that's just not how it works. And my mom's wise statement pretty much sums up why. When we are open to life, we are open to pain. And life is a duality. Positive and negative. To be open, is to be open to both.

The KEY is in how WE interpret these energies. It's easy to interpret positive energy in a powerful way. It's not so easy to interpret negative energy this way. It's damn hard. It's almost impossible.

But that is one of the keys to happiness, fulfillment and spiritual growth - to be open and to give negative energy an EMPOWERING meaning. I didn't say - make negative positive. NO. And I didn't say DENY negative energy, I said give negative energy an EMPOWERING meaning. That means to learn the lesson, see it in a way that honors the negative's existence, but doesn't make you dwell in it.

Hurt, pain, anger, loss - all these are natural parts of life. To stop ourselves from living because we do not want to go to these emotive places is to stop ourselves from living at all. As we open to life, we open to all of life. And that's what we signed up for in this human experience. To be on this rollercoaster and to not let it consume us, but instead, to become steadfast enough in our practice where we feel - and float with it - instead of against it.

When we are open to life in its BRILLIANCE, BEAUTY, JOY, ABUNDANCE and its HURT, PAIN, TRAGEDY and SADNESS - then we are fully alive. And as we open to the negative, it also gives us more empathy for the negative that others are experiencing - and this tends to unite us.

Don't cut yourself off from life because you only want to feel the good and are scared of feeling the negative. The journey is worth it. The pain is a teacher. The negativity brings us lessons that we NEED to learn. Stay open. "

Humanity and a Renewed Committment

Sometimes we need that break. That space away from life. Time to be able to breath and face the realities that have been pilling up on us as we fight to keep pushing ourselves through our busy schedules. That moment when all of it falls away, the walls break down and our heart realizes the trauma we are causing ourselves. So here’s my plea for the world (and my personal re-commitment to the world):

Please people, be kind to yourself and to others! We are all human and when we become to busy to remember our own humanity and that of those around us we have truly lost all that is beautiful in the world.

Happy Monday my loves!

Evolution of the Self: Take a Moment, Breath, Reflect, Move Forward

As humans, we have the blessing and curse of continual thought over our past, present and future thoughts and actions. No other species, as far as I am aware, over analyzes, philosophizes and generally causes chaos to one’s own thoughts half as much as ours does. Again this is a blessing and a curse. It allows us perspective and evaluation of the self, based on past behaviors and thoughts observed and reviewed. Though we often end up trapped in this vicious cycle. OVER analyzing every behavior, thought, or word we have ever shared with the world! How it has changed or may have been interpreted by others will forever be a mystery to us. The goal is to take time to appreciate what we have learned from each experience and fold it into our journey and then move forward with the knowledge we have gained.

My knowledge for the day: “Sometimes in life there comes that one moment. The one where you enter a crossroads. It's always a surpise and an adventure waiting to begin. Now to step forward with courage and strength into another beautiful journey in life...”

Another thought to be shared: “It is very easy to be tricked by the circumstances of the present moment. But, dear seeker, remember that everything changes! Life is an exercise not in adding, but in constantly letting go of what you know and who you think you are and to have the courage to become brand new. When we fixate on the past, we welcome it into our present moment, which keeps the past alive. When you give up the fight, THAT is when you'll take flight!"- Jackson Kiddard (via The Daily Love)

Be kind to yourself my dears and enjoy your journey!

Waves of Change

Life is all about change, fluidity, constant motion. We grow, we learn, we move. Rarely is change easy-especially for me. At the times when it is least expected, all of a sudden that life grip- you have so tight in your hands- proves your strength is not all you can depend on. That rug of stability under your feet gets pulled out from under you. That, my loves, was my life over the last two years. My identity as a daughter, employee, etc all of that changed in the blink of an eye. Suddenly I was a Primary Caregiver (also a Durable Power of Attorney, Care-Coordinator, and Head of a Fundraising Committee). Life is a fickle, beautiful thing.

Like that beautiful blue ocean I am dreaming about right now, life too is in constant motion. We may stare at it from a distance, but eventually those powerful waves will roll right onto our shore. Cross those lines we draw in the sand and suddenly change rolls over us like the cold Atlantic Ocean tides. It is in those moments in our lives that we must draw into ourselves and grow, allowing the ebb and flow to smooth out our rough spots-breaking down those last few barriers to our inner self. Over time we too may end up as clear and smooth as the beautiful shells and ocean glass upon those distant shores of change. It’s all about the intention.

Learn to breath into the change. Allow it to saturate deep into your soul. Find peace with it. (Keep in mind this will NOT be an instant reaction, allow yourself time for acceptance and awareness of the movement in your life). And may the waves be gentle to you all.

With love,
Kate

A song to inspire, and my current favorite, "Never Let Me Go" by Florence + The Machine

Breath It All In, Love It All Out...

It's been an interesting couple of weeks of internal existential evolution. The thought that summarized my internal processing was from the beautiful film PS: I Love You (still need to read the book). (Semi-spoiler alert:) There's a line said by Kathy Bate's character (the mother in the film):

"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

This line became my mantra, over the last few weeks, "if we're all alone, then we're together in that too." Sometimes during life we hit those points of deep and unresolved loneliness. These, like any other part of our journey, are just a moment. Though that does not make it any less valid or effective.

Sometimes when our soul aches the most that is the moment when we need to empty our self of our internal judgments and allow ourselves to just be. Then allow those around us to exist with us in that transient/transitional place. Life is never as complicated as it seems. It may be hard, yes, but life is a journey and a destination unknown. One must simply live it. Good times and hard times, moments of exponential existential growth and moments of hedonistic bliss, whether angry, joyful or "blah" each emotion is a space which must be recognized and appreciated for the growth it offers.

                                    A moment of bliss....
(Photo was found here)

My song of the moment: Michael Franti's "See You In The Light"

A Moment in Time, Beautiful Words

Sometimes words come into your life, and into your heart, just when you are in a place to receive them. One moment prior or one after you would have been so absorbed by your own thoughts that their beauty would never have been heard or appreciated. These two poems were my moments of wisdom last week. May they bless your journeys as they have inspired mine!

Photo taken by myself.

You and I
We meet as strangers,
each carrying a mystery within us.

I cannot say who you are
I may never know you completely
But I trust that you are a person in your own right
possessed of beauty and value
that are the Earth’s richest treasures.

So I make this promise to you:
I will impose no identities on you,
but will invite you to become yourself
without shame or fear.

I will hold open a space for you in the world
and allow your right to fill it
with an authentic vocation and purpose.
For as long as your search takes,
you have my loyalty.
- "A Vow" by Theodore Roszak

Next to this was "Hope A Thing With Feathers" by Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Warm my heart, sooth my restless soul

Something about spring makes me feel restless. The time of transition, rebirth of life, and renewal-suddenly my body and mind a ready to move onto a new and exciting adventure. This year has been a bit more confusing with years past with the sudden transition. We had such a minimal winter experience that my mind is a bit confused about this spring. So instead of going into full out transition mode I am focusing on the little things.

This week it has been the "little things" that make me smile:

* The smell of lilacs and pine in the air
* The gentle sound of rain on my rooftop, pairs well with barefoot walks on the rain-soaked concrete
* The soft tinkling of my earrings in the gentle breeze-they sound like mini wind chimes on my ears :)
* The feel of a cool breeze on my skin during on a long hot run
* The unending hug from a good friend (an under-appreciated art-the comfortable lasting hug). Quick "good-bye hugs" don't count.
* A smile from a friendly stranger/neighbor
* And hilarious little chicks with zesty attitudes:

(It still makes me giggle-and there's a whole book of these!)

Suffering and Empathy

"Empathy" by As The Stars Align



Back in March I was able to return to my mind's favorite outlet: Socrate's Cafe. I lucked out and my question was chosen as the discussion topic for the night. My question was:

"Is suffering a subjective experience? Does it allow for greater empathy?"

Additional questions/subtopics from that session at Socrates Cafe that came up that night...
* Are masochists happier than sadists?
* Objective verses subjective experiences with suffering
* What is suffering?
* The level of pain, as tool of measurement, is completely subjective and must be treated as a "10" in the medical field regardless of bias.
* There are two kinds of empathy:
- Natural: Intuitive/empathic (being guarded emotionally makes this hard)
- Cognitive Empathy: verbal experience ("read between the lines" and attempt to walk in the other person's shoes emotionally).
* Practice "active listening"/present mode allows us to exit our own crisis momentarily
* Living by faith/ lack of control/fate
* Is suffering blaming one's self for not doing enough? (Mental state controls the level and extent of one's suffering).
* Caregiver loses control of their own lives and that is why they suffer.
* One who is in a current state of suffering is best supported by those who have empathy because of the same experience, even better if they have experienced a more extreme version of the scenario because it provides contrast to the sufferer's current experience.
* "If there's a problem and you can do something about it, why be upset? If there's a problem and you can do nothing about it, why be upset" -Unknown (Zen thought) * Suffering can cause learning to occur (if not for the victim then for the observers).
* "The only time we stop suffering is when we die." -Jamie
* Difference between physical and emotional suffering.
* People like a diagnosis because it provides closure and allows people to live day-to-day
* Are we becoming less empathetic?
* Masochists= reverse of the golden rule (and they want a specific measurement of pain).
* Relationship between entitlement and suffering.



"Heartbreak in a Sunset" by Mirky Jedi
My background for the question was my experience as a caregiver. During the time of a crisis we often blame the world and turn inward. In my case my focus was turned outward towards my mom and she became the sole focus of my entire existence. My apathy was plentiful, my compassion fatigue frequent, and I blamed all those around me for not caring more about my crisis or resolving it for me.

Over time I came to realize that my personal experience in that moment was NOT the only crisis in the world. Each of us faces our own mountains and hardships and I realized that mine was no more valuable or painful than the experience of my friends. One was was raising her daughter alone while her husband was on deployment. Another was maintaining a full-time job while going to graduate school and closing on a on her first house. What made my crisis with my mom any less significant than that moment in their lives? Because my mom might have died?

No. We are human and our bodies will react to stress in the same physiological way whether we are facing a life or death crisis or the jerk in front of us cut us off and we almost collided with a concrete barrier. Stress is stress. And the more we can get outside of our own heads and our self-focused attitude the more we are re-united with humanity.

Hope this blog finds all of your well and in full empathy mode, though I understand the occasional apathetic day I am still fighting those off myself.

In love and hope,
Kate

Thoughts of Inspiration and Change

This beautiful photograph is courtesy of the ever serene and inspirational, Kari Tribble.

Over the weekend, at the Survivorship Conference at the University of MN, I experienced a beautiful moment of renewal and hope. I am forever grateful for the example presented by Ruth Bachman, a beautifully inspirational and charismatic woman. Clips of her presentation are listed below, I hope they are as wonderful for you as they were for me. :)

”Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”-John Lennon

Changing one’s perspective allows us to move forward.

Live life, don’t live cancer.

”Thrivers” are people who know when to hold and know when to fold.

Life is full of narrow spots, in the hour-glass of our lives, we like the sand remain but through the narrowing our lives will be re-ordered and changed.

Change is the RULE, NOT the exception.

Change is sometimes good, but is often accompanied by fear. (FEAR= False Expectations Appearing Real). When you go kicking or screaming through than narrowing in your life, you will still go.

Patience is learning how to have an honest, gentle relationship with yourself. It asks you to be present with yourself. It is also an opportunity for growth and grace, when we need to learn that we are NOT in charge.

Faith doesn’t prevent the narrow spots, but it does cushion them. There is no escaping the narrow spots. They are spots that require attention, even just conscious recognition: What is truly lost? What remains? And what is possible? We need to integrate that loss into who we are.

Ruth’s self description when asked “what she does?” “I share my enthusiasm with the world.” (She also wants to be an “irritational speaker, instead of an inspirational speaker” because it would be more affective in creating change.)

We need to live in abundance. “Yes, AND…” not “Yes, but…”

Allow someone to help. It is a gift to them as much as it is a gift to you.

The narrow spots: name them, talk about them, gather information, and ask for help.External resources enhance our internal resources.

And my favorite line: “Change is inevitable, transformation is intentional.”

Live Everything! You may live your way into the answers to your own questions.

Instead of having a pity party, ask yourself: “Yes this happened, now what?”

Don’t just “go through it” instead “grow through it!”

The root of the word “inspire” is “to breath into.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May you all have a beautifully inspirational week my friends! Happy spring everyone!

Happiness-A List :)

Things I love/my way of expressing love:
(As inspired by The Daily Love)
Quick summary of the article. We all express and recieve love in our own way and unfortunately often expect those around us to express their affection the same way. This is not always the case and as a result we are disheartened by the experience. My goal is to find out the top 5 things each of you love to do or how you best recieve the expression of love and to attempt to apply that over the next few weeks!

My examples/ways I love expressing my love:

Dancing in the street/sidewalk anywhere-Just letting it all out in moving form! (Also random dance parties with friends)

Laughter-deep belly laughs that go so long that you forget what they were even about. (Also smiles)

Spending time in nature-includes LONG walks, running, skipping, jumping, hiking, camping, swimming, laying in the sun

Crying-tears of happiness and hurt, it’s the free flowing emotions of the soul and I am so relieved when I have been able to let them go.

Hugs! Tight soul shared hugs ones were you feel truly loved by humanity for that moment.

This is just a preliminary list, to be continued...





A photo I fell in love with, unfortunately I don't remember the original artist.

Beauty in Silence

("The Loneliness of Autumn" by Afremov Leonid)

Isn't it ironic, that in all the hustle and bustle of life our solace would come from the quiet of our hearts. It's silly how we frequently avoid recognition and acknowledgement of our emotions. Avoiding only makes things worse. In fact I have recently discovered that anxiety, for me at-least, appears to be a lack of recognition/awareness of an underlying emotion. As a result that absence of an identifiable "label" is the root of my anxiety. Allowing for pain, hurt, and frustration to exist in their own space within my heart, without overpowering my spirit, has been a place of beautiful calm. The hurt once acknowledged passes. Yet somehow the next time it arrives I have forgotten the lesson I had learned, I guess it's all about practice.

Practice recognition instead of denial. Allowance instead of repressing. And hope in all things, especially one's self. Focus on the present and not the past (or the future) for all we have is what we are living in this moment. So why not enjoy it?!

A few weeks have passed since mom's event and I now coming down from the emotional high that most of my married friends have probably experienced. The planning and cramming for months and months, a day of celebration and then....it's over?! Wait a second, is this a trick? You mean I don't need to micromanage and over plan my week to the point that my friends have almost forgotten who I am? Wow!

Not that the event wasn't wonderful-it was FANTASTIC! Over $10,000 raised for mom from that one day alone! And over 150 friends, family, even strangers who came together to support my mom and give her recognition for the battle she's fought over the last year. I really have no way to express my deepest gratitude to all of you! What a blessing you have been!

But back to life-and making plans...My current two daily places of solace are The Daily Love and my current book, "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Within one of The Daily Love's emails I received the following affirmation of my current emotional commitment:

"Just staying with the feelings a little longer, not giving in to them, not allowing ourselves to become victims of emotion. But rather, love ourselves enough to know that, "This too will pass".

This emotional arc that we pass through, some people call it "The Dark Night of The Soul", others call it just plain crazy. But what if, on the other side of feeling your feelings, what if you just felt them instead of ate them, drink them or spent them away? We would step into a broader world where so much more was possible.

This is not easy, but on the other side is freedom. We do not have to be held captive by our desires and our patterns. We can rise above them."

For The Love of Dixie-my unspoken thoughts

This was actually the speech I had written before the event, intending to give at the event and then was too busy to give:

"As a history major in college I had intentionally choose not to involve math and science into my life. Who knew 4 years after I graduated I would be able to successfully explain what a bone marrow transplant is and how the University of Minnesota used my white cells as natural killer cells to get mom into remission. But in many ways I am not the same girl that graduated from Bethel in 2007.

I guess the old saying of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is very applicable in my life (and mom's). For over a year Dixie and her "chicks" have been in survivor mode, focusing only on one goal. To have mom live. It's fascinating how the brain defends itself. For over a year when people asked what my mom had, I would say "Leukemia" as if somehow avoiding the title of "cancer" would somehow protect my mom from the consequences that word entailed. Now I see my mom and can't believe how much she fought through to get her today-how much we all fought through to get her here today. So now I want to thank you for keeping the Dixie's Chicks strong enough and surrounded with so much deep love that I truly have no words to truly thank you for all you have given to us.

To the staff from the University of MN. You laughed and cried with us-taught us new
and interesting, often necessary lessons. You fought this battle with us-please stand up so we can thank you for all you did to help us.

For the volunteers from the Lotsa Helping Hands team-please stand up- you became our
family over the last year. You stood in the gap for me and my sister while I worked two jobs and she continued to work hard at finishing her degree. Thank you for loving us and comforting us 24/7 for so many months. We could not have done this with out you.

Deb Danielson, Lee Carey, Suzanne Ryan-stand up LADIES!!! I want to thank you for
being my cheerleaders and co-conspirators who helped me pull of this wonderful event!!!

And to all of our volunteers tonight-I DON’T want to forget your name, so please
forgive for not naming each of you personally. You too made this event possible!!! And all of the wonderful businesses and people who donated to this event! Thank you!

Now. please-EVERYONE stand up. You are my beloved friends, family, and even
strangers who are now family. You too have changed our lives by being here today. You
presence means more than words could ever express. Please know that we appreciate
your support and cheerful hearts so very much.

I want all of you to remember this night. Remember how you changed the world in this
little way for the better. By recognizing the frailty and humanity of one life. By realizing that you can make a difference. I hope that we “chicks” can at least share that one thing with all of you, "hope". It's what keeps us alive and ready for whatever fight life places in our path. Thank you for being a part of our hope."

Days Away and Ready to Celebrate!!!

The Pheonix, a mythical bird that rises from it's own ashes reborn. Love that story.

Quick note: For those who do not know...Mom's fundraiser is this Saturday! Please email me if you are interested in attending (wolkate@bethel.edu).

On that note, updates on mom...

As mom said tonight, this time last year her body was "trying to die." She'd finished her second round of chemo inpatient and the only thing keeping her alive was the granulacytes that were being infused into her body. This time last year her doctor's were pushing us HARD for her health care directive. We were figuring out durable power of attorneys and proxy situations. Needless to say it is something that my mind still does not fully understand.

As Elizabeth Gilbert says in her new book, Committed:
"It doesn't take a great genius to recognize that when you are pushed by circumstances to do one thing you have always most specifically loathed and fear, this can be, at the very lease, an interesting growth opportunity" (20).

Growth. Change. Inner evolution. Inner peace. Hope.

Each day, each moment of our lives is new. A moment for us to remember all that we have come through and change for the better. Take the good, the bad, the neutral, the crazy, the hope...take it all and make a new you. Hardest thing to learn: you can only change YOU. The world, family, friends, work, your car, your home...these are things you can impact. But not by yourself change. You need to first change yourself. I hope that this year has at a minimum done that.

In self reflection I would say I am a less anxious person, more people focused, still loving a good cause to focus on (it was a my mom and now it's the event in her honor). However at the same time I realize that my life has been changed. I am willing to listen but also trust my instincts and my knowledge. People have significantly invested in me as a person and I am not about to let those lessons go to waste. So thank you for those who have questioned me, loved me, challenged me, inspired me and danced with me. You are beautiful. Remember your ability to change yourself and the world!

As Kathy Bate's character says in the movie PS: I Love You, "if we are all alone. We are still in that together too." So for those days I am lonely I smile and remember that my neighbor on the side walk is still in this life experiencing events with me. And I smile even more. :)

On that note my song of the week/month/year...yup I love it that much..."Do it Now" by Ingrid Michaelson

Transition and Having Faith

Song on my heart and in my head lately: "Have a Little Faith" by Michael Franti & Spearhead.

Sometimes life feels like you are sitting inside a beautiful snow-globe. Everything in sight appears to be perfectly placed and completely serene with a light dusting of snow covering it all, just to make it that much more magical. Then suddenly you are turned upside down and shaken so hard that you think you will break into pieces. When the earthquake finally stops you realize you have barely moved, though you can tell there's been a change. It's funny how the world around you is exactly the same but inside the globe you know otherwise. Sometimes "life happens."

Snow Globes...

A year ago today mom received a call after a routine bone marrow biopsey. It was late in the evening, yet her doctor was calling her anyways. His first question was if someone was with her, she said, "Yes, my daughter Kate is here with me." He said, "I need you to get her and then sit down." He told her she had cancer. Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML) to be exact. A very aggressive form of it and she would need to go in-patient the next morning.

It's funny how those moments of your life become one of those TV moments when time slows and you see the soul of the character on the screen. You see every moment of their lives. How they have faced every moment of their lives. The pain, the joy, the sorrow, the happiness, and all of it seems to be leading to this point. But you still see the contorted confusion on their face. Their shock. And yet some how you know they are strong enough to get through it. That they are surrounded by so much love and their enduring spirit will fight this battle until their dying breath. Flash back to me and mom on the couch in shock and then tears. Somehow finding our way to the suitcases and cloths to be packed. Less than 12 hours later she is in-patient and starting her new treatments.

Life Happens. Whether we are ready for the storm inside the snow globe or not. When we face a life-changing earthquake like that we suddenly remember the world outside of our self. How it somehow is still functioning despite the crisis it has caused. The world has kept right now spinning even though it feels like ours has stopped. But as time passes you realize, you are wrong and that your world is still moving you just hadn't noticed the change while you were in the thick of it. And somehow beyond anything you could have imagined... you have been molded into a stronger, more empathetic person.

Life Happens. Relationships come and go. Those you expect to be there drift into your past. And those you least expected suddenly become your soul-mates. And yes I do mean plural, not in a "in-love" type of way but rather those in your life who bring purpose and a sense of life long friendship and commitment to your soul. I am grateful beyond words to say that I have more than one.

Life Happens. The jobs you expect your mom to be able to transition back to are suddenly gone. Layoffs, unemployment, and job transition are all common vocabulary for us now. Somehow the routine nature we expected is gone. So now onto a new adventure for mom! We know that even this is somehow planned, thank you universe. Mom's doctor had said a few weeks ago that he wanted her to "progressively return to work" not suddenly go back full time. And now she will be able to focus on healing completely before returning to work. Life is transition, life is change, and Life Happens.

It's all about learning what is deep within your soul. Finding out about who you are in the good, the bad, and the unimaginable. And the beauty of that space. So LOVE YOURSELF! LOVE OTHERS! And for pete's sake learn to LOVE CHANGE (*note to self*)!!!

Or as Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book "Committed":
"...I'd learned enough from life's experiences to understand that destiny's interventions can sometimes be read as invitations for us to address and even surmount our biggest fears. It doesn't take a genius to recognize that when you are pushed by circumstances to do the one thing you have always most specifically loathed and feared, this can be, at the very least, an interesting growth opportunity" (20).

As always, with love and gratitude,
Kate

Are We There Yet?

The title of this blog is inspired by the song on my heart, "Are We There Yet" by Ingrid Michaelson (also loving "Distance" by Christina Perri right now). It's very hard to believe another year has come and gone and now we are living in 2012! Not only a year of experiences, I had no idea I would ever go through, but also a new appreciation of the impact we have on one another and the world.

Sometimes TV can be an interesting contrast to life. I just finished watching this week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, titled "Suddenly." Needless to say it left me in a tearful and emotionally wrenched state. But that's what good TV should do. Create perspective. In this case remind me that emotion is a wonderful thing, but that we need to take the time to recognize it and allow it's own space. This has been a theme consistently with myself and several friends already this year.

So here's my New Years resolution: to be okay with emotions and being hurt (this includes letting me be affected by other peoples' emotions and hurts as well). I know I discussed it last year, but I have been in such a "survivors mode" this last year that I need to know that letting these walls come tumbling down is safe and healthy thing to do. I need to ask for help and shoulders to cry on when I need them instead of hiding within my comfortable shell. For those who have been there when I have needed a hug and a shoulder to sob on this last year thank you (including my lovely car-she and I have had plenty of those nights together). It's hard to believe it's been less than a year since Mom's diagnosis, and a little over six months since her transplant. We have begun looking towards life moving in a "forward motion" for her, with her fundraiser a little over a month from now on February 18th, and soon her progressive return to work. We once again are asking for our prayerful people and wonderful huggers to surround us with your love!

It's getting to another period of transition for all of us. And the thought at the forefront of my mind is "breathe, just breathe" and then a "live in the present" for worrying about the future is out of our control. One can plan, organize and make lists, but life happens and things change. And holding onto them only makes them slip out of our hands more quickly. So here's to life as beautiful and messy as it can be, I am ready to live mine (damn it!) :)

Loving humanity and the world one day at a time!
-Me



("Sunrise Overture Pt 1 by RealityDream")