Listening to my own inner compass, allowing myself to self-care, to breathe deep and to acknowledge not only loss but hope, joy and fear are all returning to me in a new deeper way. As I work though my renewed-self discovery I find myself stumbling over the piles of emotional repression I packed so deeply away in my closets.
Now with the greenness of spring and transitions returning to us, I find myself wanting to finally process all of this, but as many sweet hearts have reminded me with compassion lately this will not be a rapid change. Unpacking slowly and with gentleness is something that will allow space to grow inside my heart and also in the world around me.
This is a very philosophical blog this time round, I realize. So to give some context, for those who may not have read Shaun's blog about his mother, she is currently in the midst of a life altering infection that was very severe due to diagnosed and unregulated diabetes. (Shaun is my partner for those who may not have seen me in the last 6 years).
With the history of mom's hospital visits, even within the same hospital framework (Fairview), I find myself piled under repressed grief not only over my mother's passing but also feeling like I did not do enough to keep her alive. This is a journey that only I can move myself through but awareness was a HUGE step in understanding my emotions these past few days. I had found myself fighting hard against my own actions to somehow "save" Joan even though the doctors and her family are doing everything they can and her health is drastically IMPROVING. I still found myself with an uncontrolled fear that I wasn't "doing enough."
Isn't it interesting how we are own mirror? And when we refuse to look into it for the true self reflection then those that love us most will come over, hug us and gently turn our hearts and heads back to the reflection we need so deeply.
So with this short gap of self-pause the deepest of loves, unconditional that I know can only be coming from that beautiful source still around me in so many ways. (I love you so much mom). I find myself allowing myself for the first time in so many, many years to not only allow myself to FEEL the love around me, but also to allow myself to FEEL. The beauty of that is overwhelming. My own ocean current within my inner journey. One deep breath and heart chakra clearing at a time.
In the meantime, my heartbreaking and heart anthem will continue to be chanted with my new heart song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5OpvDdVtYU
