Compassion Fatigue

Often, because of my passion for issues of genocide and human rights, I find myself drawn to articles, movies, books, etc on the topic. Coincidentally I often pick up books on the topic at the worst possible time.

After my grandfather's death I was reading the book by Samantha Power titled "A Problem from Hell: America and the Age of Genocide". At his memorial service I was reading Lt. General Romeo Dallaire's " Shaking Hands With The Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda". During my great uncle's memorial service I read Philip Gourvitch's "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families". Other's on my shelf range from:
- Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" to
- Greg Mortenson's "Three Cups of Tea" and "Stones into Schools"
- Scott Straus's "The Order of Genocide: Race, Power, and War in Rwanda"
- Brian Steidle and Gretchen Steidle Wallace's "The Devil Came on Horseback"
- Jen Marlowe (with Aisha Bain and Adam Shapiro)'s "Darfur Diaries"
- Don Cheadle and John Prendergast's "Not On Our Watch: The Mission to End Genocide in Darfur and Beyond"

(And that doesn't even speak to the films on my shelf, including that by Invisible Children)


This time I chose to watch the movie "Ghosts of Rwanda," after taking today off to process all I heard about my mom yesterday and be able to spend the day with her doctor, social worker, etc. I had rented the movie on a whim because a local Human Right group had aired it yesterday at the U of MN and I hadn't had the opportunity to watch it. While seeing famous individuals, who I find incredibly heroic, on the screen discussing this conflict I began to sense my numbness.

After leaving the hospital yesterday and making it to the car in the parking ramp I had collapsed into the drivers seat and poured out gut wrenching sobs into my empty car until my gut hurt. Made it home and then cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes tears are cathartic. In my case it drained all the emotions I had in reserve and when I returned to myself this morning while watching the documentary I realized I had nothing left.

I hated my humanness and inability to retain any compassion beyond what I had lost the day before in my tears. I know it will return but while watching the film I understood the horror of our species and our weakness to accept "compassion fatigue" instead of fighting our mental state and forcing ourselves to recognize the horrors and atrocities in the world. How we as humans become so fatigued by our own situations that we forget about the conflicts outside of our lives. It's like we all assume the rest of humanity is robots and that our problems are bigger than anything else the world might be facing. I HATE THAT!!!

So maybe my choice to read incredibly depressing and morbid books/watch movies while already maxed out emotionally is a little ridiculous. However I think subconsciously I do it intentionally to remind myself that I am "settling" for compassion fatigue and need to be reminded about the conflicts and genocides of the world beyond my daily life. Which sometimes serves as the reality check that I am not a robot, nor are those around me, and there are conflicts bigger than me that are still being fought that I need to be a part of.

So this is my promise to myself to be more honest with my emotions and pains and hurts, and to do my VERY best to take time and pause and re-assess my own compassion fatigue. So that I might be able to share and empathize with the pains that you have, as well as those of the world. (Instead of hiding in my own little bubble).

Sorry if this was hard to follow, I just needed a release for the passions in my heart. Thank you everyone.

With love and an open heart,
Kate